Doctors are sadists. You may think that’s a very broad generalization but I have a lot of experience with doctors. I have a primary care physician, a rheumatologist, a neurologist, a hematology/oncology specialist, a pain specialist, and a pulmonologist. This isn’t counting the doctors who just do tests like the EMG/NCS; a test where the doctor electrocutes you then sticks needles in your body and tells you to flex against them. I know doctors. Sadists.
In their defense, I have a theory about why they’re all out to get us. In my opinion it starts in the first weeks of high school. The people who end up being doctors are very intelligent but are socially inept. They never date, even once, from the first day of high school through graduation.
They resent their non-existent social life (chemistry club doesn’t count) and so they study relentlessly so they can get into a university that doesn’t have the word “state” anywhere in the name. There they continue to study like crazy. They sit in their dorm rooms, under Star Trek and old New Kids on the Block posters and absorb knowledge like lonely sponges.
This is so they can apply to and be accepted at major medical schools where they continue their brilliant academic careers and remain socially awkward. They then go on to residencies in hospitals like Johns-Hopkins and the Mayo Clinic where they excel as a group. And they still can’t get a date.
Eventually they go into their chosen specialties. I believe these are selected based on how much pain and misery they can inflict on people too sick to fight back. By this time they’ve made secret pacts to marry each other and produce preternaturally intelligent offspring, who will, themselves, go on to become clumsy teenagers with 4.0 G.P.A.’s.
It would probably be in everyone’s best interest to try to help these people, long before they become merciless dispensers of modern medicine, by getting them at least one date in high school. Even the pretense of a normal high school social life would benefit them immensely. And, in turn, would protect the unsuspecting victims of their inhuman career choice.
If you know a peculiar teenager, try to set him or her up with one of these potential serial-torturers. Your best bets are kids on the audio/visual squad or math club. If you can’t find a teen equally as maladroit as the doctors-to-be find a normal teen and convince them to go on a mercy date; Mercy for future patients as much as for the teens who will become our tormentors. Pay them if you must. The cost of dinner and a movie may prevent untold suffering in the future. We must band together to stop this hoard of brutal medical professionals!
I told you all that to tell you this; upon my diagnosis last Wednesday of pneumonia, my doctor told me to get as much rest as possible. He then gave me a shot of and a prescription for a medication that has “interference with sleep” as a side effect. I’m sure he was thinking of his prom night when he did it.