It’s important that you know this post is written without any prejudice. Everything written here is factual. I’ve done decades of research on spiders and urge you to read this carefully. You may even want to print it out and post it in several locations in your home, school, office, car…everywhere you may ever find yourself.
Spiders are evil. You may think they serve a purpose like eating flies and other bugs and they do. But, deep down in their cold, black little spider hearts they’re evil. And I don’t mean the vaguely sweet Dr. Evil kind of evil. I’m talking Hitler invited to a Bar Mitzvah evil.
Some may even look innocent but all spiders are in gangs. They will take over a neighborhood, like your vegetable or flower garden and threaten you for being there. It doesn’t matter that it’s your garden. They don’t care. Spiders think, once they invade an area, all other life forms must go. They communicate their intent with a language of intricate gang signs.
This baby was copying the gang signs he’d seen spiders using while near his crib.
Spiders carry weapons. The weapons aren’t easy to see but they all carry chains, knives, and unregistered guns (spiders are not law-abiding). If you’re minding your own business just brushing your teeth, for example, spiders will suddenly appear on the mirror and tell you they’re going to cut you. Spit out the toothpaste and run for your life!
Assault knife found on spider.
They can also change their physical appearance and size. If you see a spider in the house it will be the size of a Volkswagen Beetle. The fangs will be approximately 24 inches in length and the most lethal poison known to man will be dripping from said fangs. Your first response will, naturally, be to scream for help. That’s when the spider will morph into a creature the size of the head of a pin and start doing something like knitting booties or reading to blind children. The person who rushes to your aid will then laugh at you for being afraid of the obviously tiny and kind-hearted insect.
This is the average size spider when not trying to disguise its true appearance.
If you see a spider and you are alone there are several steps you can take to defend yourself. Many people try hitting the spider with a shoe. Although this is sometimes effective (although you can’t stand 15 feet away and throw the shoe in the direction of the spider) there are consequences to this course of action. If you do manage to kill the spider with the shoe you must then wash the shoe. Then you must bleach the shoe. Then you must throw the shoe away.
Another method for dealing with a spider in your house is to fire at it with a shotgun. This method usually doesn’t work because the scatter pattern of the shot is usually too wide and spiders can’t be counted on to try to zig-zag out of the line of fire. Most spiders will just stand right where they are and laugh (evilly) as the shot misses. Handguns can be more effective. I recommend something like a .50 caliber Desert Eagle.
You can also try quickly gathering your family and pets and rush them outside into your car. The car should be running so you can leave the area as quickly as possible. Before fleeing you must throw some kind of liquid accelerant – don’t use alcohol; you’ll want that to settle your nerves as you drive away – around the interior of the house without getting too close to the spider. Set some rolled up paper on fire or ignite a Zippo lighter and toss it inside.
This method usually does exterminate (with extreme prejudice) the spider but, before it dies it will usually send out a distress call to other spiders causing them to show up at your new residence. And they’ll want revenge.
In closing, spiders can never be completely eradicated. They’re everywhere. Spiders can be found inside and outside your home. They are in your car. They’re in the grocery store and everywhere you buy clothing and shoes. They are prolific breeders with the females laying up to one billion eggs every 18 minutes for up to twenty years. Basically, there is no escape. Drinking can help you forget that spiders are nearby but they’ll probably attack you when you pass out.
Oh. And they like to snack on human babies. Just sayin’.