In a continuing effort to educate city dwellers and others about life in a rural area the CCNN (Comfortable Coop News Network) brings you the first in a one episode series on ducks on death row. Technically it’s an episode on how two ducks, sentenced to death escaped their fate due to the valiant efforts of one man and two dogs. And now…with limited commercial interruption…A Conversation with Death Row Ducks.
Interviewer: You are Penguin?
Penguin: Yes. I’m the one who doesn’t have a funny colored bill.
(Loud objection heard in the background from Spot who does, indeed have a funny colored bill for a Black Swedish duck. “And wipe your mouth!”)
Interviewer: And you’re Spot? I don’t really need to ask since it’s obvious from your…funny colored bill.
Spot: Ducks can bite, ya know.
Interviewer: You were both originally scheduled to be executed sometime after Christmas and now we’ve been informed that you are no longer on death row. That must feel just wonderful.
Penguin: Is there a question in there? Of course it feels wonderful. How would you feel if you discovered you’re not going to end up featherless and crispy-skinned on a platter?
Spot: Please excuse Penguin. He’s testy because he’s hungry. He’s always hungry. It feels great to know we’ve gone from dinner ducks to breeder ducks and won’t be eaten!
Interviewer: Why is Penguin hungry? Don’t you get fed in here in the
Spot: We get fed 4 times a day which is one more than the average death row prisoner but then again, most death row prisoners aren’t being fattened up for consumption.
Interviewer: So how did you get this reprieve? Was it some group of skilled lawyers and their band of eager law students?
Penguin: You really think ducks can afford lawyers? We can’t even get a lawyer pro bono. Duck rights are not big in legal circles.
Spot: We had a lawyer recommended to us by those dogs that live outside the tub. They call him F. Lee Daddy and they said he can get any animal off any charge no matter how guilty the critter is…or in our case, isn’t.
Interviewer: And just what did F. Lee Daddy do to get your sentenced commuted?
Spot: He talked to that lady who feeds us and washes our tub and makes the water for swimming come into the tub. He told her we were cute and sweet and that we look at him and our eyes show we’re smart.
Penguin: We are smart! We learned that when F. Lee Daddy or the lady come in the room to make the water noise in the white chair at night that we aren’t supposed to quack when they say, “Shh.” That’s practically genius level stuff when you’re a duck!
Interviewer: And did the dogs that live outside the tub help in any way?
Spot: They told the lady they love us and they told her they kiss our bills and should not be eaten. They said they would be crushed and heartbroken if we got cooked, especially if she cut our heads off first. Like Stu…who actually had it coming because he was mean and just look what he did to Penguin’s tail feathers!
Penguin: I hate when those dogs lick our bills. There’s no way to preserve your dignity when there’s a big, wet tongue sliding over your face.
Interviewer: So now that you’re no longer condemned to
orange glaze death do you have plans?
Penguin: It turns out I’m a boy duck. This makes me really, really valuable so…
(Interrupted by Spot)
Spot: I’m a duck. Girl ducks are ducks. Boy ducks are drakes and yes, Penguin is a drake. It’s a good thing his drake feather finally popped up because the lady really didn’t want to keep either of us but two ducks would be one too many! Now girl ducks lay eggs even if there’s no boy duck around but the lady said if they were keeping one they might as well keep both. What she meant was that since Penguin is a boy and now can help make baby ducks he has a purpose. I always had one.
Interviewer: So what’s in your future?
Spot: We will live in the tub for a little while longer. F. Lee Daddy has decided to build us a log cabin duck home in the backyard (whatever that is). But the lady has promised to stop poking our breasts and picking us up to weigh us while we’re still in there. She will continue to feed us, wash the tub, and make the swimming water come. And the dogs will keep adoring us from outside the tub.
Penguin: A log cabin? Like this?
Spot: No. That’s a people log cabin.
Penguin: What about this one? I don’t like this one. It’s scary and there’s a small human trying to break in!
Spot: It’ll be more like this one.
Interviewer: Penguin? Can we get back to your future?
Penguin: Sex is in my future. A lot of sex. I have to make lots of little ducks the lady can put in the freezer with Stu so she doesn’t start looking at us like food. Again.
Interviewer: I’m really happy for both of you. Does the lady know ducks can live more than ten years?
Spot: SHHH! Don’t get her thinking about ten years of quacking and cleaning the log cabin!
In a follow-up interview with “The Lady” our dedicated team of reporters (okay.one person) asked the following.
Interviewer: Now that you’ve shown you have at least the possibility of possessing a soul and may not be the world’s only living heart donor do you feel better about yourself?
The Lady: *sigh*