Before I begin I want to make something very clear. I am now and have always been female. This, you might think, would preclude me from the whole Viagra line of medications. But, no! I wasn’t ever going to disclose this story but Mr. Comfortable, no doubt out of revenge for the “If the police should ask..” story, insisted I share why I thought I needed Viagra.
I admit that at times I can be a wee bit naïve. Okay, okay. I can be incredibly naïve. I think I proved that with my encounter with the drug dealer in Virginia. Keep in mind that I was born and raised in a small town and I now live a few miles outside a village with one traffic light. Seeing the gritty side of life isn’t part of my usual experience.
When I first had my spinal cord injury I had to go to the Pain Clinic at least every two weeks. The doctor would insert insanely large needles into my spine in order to ease the pain of his not having a larger summer home. In trade the doctor would prescribe huge doses of really dangerous drugs which he expected me to take quite frequently. I didn’t as they didn’t end the pain, although they did make me care less about it.
Over the years this doctor and I formed a relationship. I knew his middle name so I could holler at him in true mom fashion when he hit a nerve with the needle of the day. I knew about his family. He knew about my family. I called him Kiddo and he called me Old Lady. He was actually a year older than I. I felt I could talk to him about my pain even if it wasn’t in my back.
And that’s how I ended up thinking I needed Viagra. You see, when the first commercials for that product came out they never actually stated what the medication was supposed to treat. The original commercial showed a man throwing a football at a tire and missing. Then he takes Viagra and the next time he throws the football it goes right through the tire! Good for him!
I thought about this new wonder drug and the very next time I saw the Pain Clinic doc I told him I thought I needed Viagra. I have to give him credit. He didn’t laugh. He didn’t ask me to drop my drawers so he could determine if I really needed it. He calmly asked me why I thought I needed Viagra. So I told him.
“I’ve been having a lot of pain in my shoulder.” The doctor nodded. “And you think Viagra will help with that.” It wasn’t a question. I told him I did. Then I told him about the poor man with the football and the tire and how Viagra clearly helped his shoulder since, after taking it, he could get the ball right through the center of the tire!
It was at this point the doctor put his hand over his mouth and tried to look as though he were pondering my request. I believe it was just to hide his grin. “Well,” he said, “Viagra isn’t really for sore shoulders. You see, when a mommy and daddy love each other the daddy can’t always make the mommy…you know…happy.” I was completely puzzled. Did the mommy really care how well the daddy could throw a ball? “Dear Lord” moaned the doctor. “It’s for when a man can’t get an ere…” My startled look must have tipped him off that I’d finally understood.
I could feel my face growing incredibly hot. In the reflection from the towel dispenser I could see how red I was. Mr. Comfortable, no darned help at all, finally gave in to his overwhelming need to laugh out loud. And he didn’t just laugh. He nearly fell out of his chair. This only prompted the doctor to give in and he ended up leaning on the counter laughing so hard he was snorting. “Viagra! She needs Viagra!” I was obviously the funniest patient he’d had all day. Maybe in his entire career.
And to this day when a commercial is aired for that particular line of male medications I can hear the raucous laughter of my doctor and Mr. C. But I really did have a good reason why I thought I needed Viagra!